Friday, January 28, 2011

This One Feels Different

This is not my first spiritual crisis. I have been down this road before to some extent--in a way what I am experiencing is nothing new to me. But in another way, this feels giant, like my life depends on the outcome, like this is 'the big one.' Having a faith crisis on a Christian college campus is a little awkward. I don't broadcast my questions and doubts too loudly--I'm certain I'll end up on the prayer chain or worse: as someone's new Christian Project. (I suppose I deserve to become someone's Project--I have sure had several of my own back when I knew all of the answers, and believed that all my words came from God's own mouth.)

The truth is I have been afraid to talk about this--I mean really afraid to be  honest about where I am.  I have been so worried about what people will think of me if I tell the truth. Will I be judged? Will I be blacklisted? Being a part of the small community where I live and work and worship with many of the same people has its unique challenges. I love so much about living here--especially the way folks are committed to each other in times of crisis. I mean, bring on a serious illness, a death in the family, a new baby, a move into the neighborhood, and you'll have more food than you can fit in the deep freeze. If just feels a lot harder to me to talk about the more spiritual types of crisis: questions about the goodness of God, depression, grief, doubt, etc. It is not that people don't experience these things around here--it is just that as a community we don't talk about them very loudly.

My hope is that by being honest about my own questions, I can be the change I want to see. I know I am not alone, and I don't want to be afraid anymore.