Here's what I hope and wish to be true: that God is WAY bigger than I have imagined, and that God is the umbrella over every one and everything. I want Jesus to say to everyone 'You will have endless chances to choose me--if not now, then you have all of eternity to decide, because I will not let one of you perish.' Or that when He returns, and the trumpets blow, and everyone in the universe sees Him for Real, they all recognize Him instantly--even if they called Him by a different name while they lived on earth. I want to believe that if God is Love, (not to mention All Powerful,) then no one would be out of God's reach. And that it would be against God's nature to send any of creation to be tortured in Hell for eternity.
Believe me, I hear all of the verses in my head that would prove otherwise. In fact, I hear them all the live long day and I'm pretty terrified that I'm going to find out they are 100% accurate in the way I have understood them. but I still have to tell the truth about my life. And the truth is, right now, the 'good news' I was taught in my conservative evangelical upbringing doesn't sound very good to me anymore. I want a new understanding of the love of God and the Grace that I keep hearing about. I realize that I can't just wish for God to be a certain way and then poof! He is. But I'm holding out hope that there is MUCH I do NOT understand about how God loves, and how God works.
Showing posts with label doubts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doubts. Show all posts
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Maybe 'Crisis' isn't the right word...
I was talking to a new friend today, and we were discussing our spiritual questions. I was telling her about my latest 'faith crisis', and she was thoughtful and answered slowly "Maybe 'crisis' isn't the right word...it sounds too negative for the journey you have described to me..."
That really got me thinking. I've always seen my questions and struggles with my faith as something I need to 'get over', or as a phase I'll eventually grow out of when I'm 'mature' enough. I'm now considering that the process itself is good--(though it is pretty darn scary!) and that growing and changing and deconstructing and building my faith is lifelong.
The 'crisis' part is more about my fear; and my tendency toward 'all or nothing' thinking. I have this idea that I can't just dip my toe in something--it's dive in the deep end or stay out of the pool. My 'what if's' are huge: what if I will be totally rejected by my family, friends and community because I end up worshiping Ra the Sun God? What if one day I wake up and realize that I have to hand in my Jesus badge because I've strayed just a little too far? In more rational moments, I remind myself that I am safe and tightly held by a really big God and that it's ok if I want to look into yoga--it doesn't mean I have to join an ashram.
It's funny--if someone had come to me 20 years ago struggling with these same doubts and questions about God, I would have said sagely, and with all certainty that 'God isn't afraid of your doubts and questions, and He will lead you into His truth.' (Can I just say it was SO MUCH easier when I knew all of the answers!....) The truth is I can't go back to where I was even if I wanted to. No matter where I'm heading, I have to go forward, and keep seeking--and trust I'm headed in the right direction--even if I panic once in a while.
I've been thinking about caterpillars lately--and I wonder if they call it a 'crisis' when they see themselves transforming. I mean, are they born knowing that at some point in their lives they are going to completely change shape, form, what they eat, etc. and CEASE to be caterpillars? I imagine they are pretty horrified when they reach that wet and shrivel-y in-between place of 'not caterpillar' and not yet butterfly'. And afterward, are they totally surprised, like hey, caterpillars don't have wings! What's all this? I don't know how to fly...wait...oh, here we go...
That really got me thinking. I've always seen my questions and struggles with my faith as something I need to 'get over', or as a phase I'll eventually grow out of when I'm 'mature' enough. I'm now considering that the process itself is good--(though it is pretty darn scary!) and that growing and changing and deconstructing and building my faith is lifelong.
The 'crisis' part is more about my fear; and my tendency toward 'all or nothing' thinking. I have this idea that I can't just dip my toe in something--it's dive in the deep end or stay out of the pool. My 'what if's' are huge: what if I will be totally rejected by my family, friends and community because I end up worshiping Ra the Sun God? What if one day I wake up and realize that I have to hand in my Jesus badge because I've strayed just a little too far? In more rational moments, I remind myself that I am safe and tightly held by a really big God and that it's ok if I want to look into yoga--it doesn't mean I have to join an ashram.
It's funny--if someone had come to me 20 years ago struggling with these same doubts and questions about God, I would have said sagely, and with all certainty that 'God isn't afraid of your doubts and questions, and He will lead you into His truth.' (Can I just say it was SO MUCH easier when I knew all of the answers!....) The truth is I can't go back to where I was even if I wanted to. No matter where I'm heading, I have to go forward, and keep seeking--and trust I'm headed in the right direction--even if I panic once in a while.
I've been thinking about caterpillars lately--and I wonder if they call it a 'crisis' when they see themselves transforming. I mean, are they born knowing that at some point in their lives they are going to completely change shape, form, what they eat, etc. and CEASE to be caterpillars? I imagine they are pretty horrified when they reach that wet and shrivel-y in-between place of 'not caterpillar' and not yet butterfly'. And afterward, are they totally surprised, like hey, caterpillars don't have wings! What's all this? I don't know how to fly...wait...oh, here we go...
Friday, January 28, 2011
This One Feels Different
This is not my first spiritual crisis. I have been down this road before to some extent--in a way what I am experiencing is nothing new to me. But in another way, this feels giant, like my life depends on the outcome, like this is 'the big one.' Having a faith crisis on a Christian college campus is a little awkward. I don't broadcast my questions and doubts too loudly--I'm certain I'll end up on the prayer chain or worse: as someone's new Christian Project. (I suppose I deserve to become someone's Project--I have sure had several of my own back when I knew all of the answers, and believed that all my words came from God's own mouth.)
The truth is I have been afraid to talk about this--I mean really afraid to be honest about where I am. I have been so worried about what people will think of me if I tell the truth. Will I be judged? Will I be blacklisted? Being a part of the small community where I live and work and worship with many of the same people has its unique challenges. I love so much about living here--especially the way folks are committed to each other in times of crisis. I mean, bring on a serious illness, a death in the family, a new baby, a move into the neighborhood, and you'll have more food than you can fit in the deep freeze. If just feels a lot harder to me to talk about the more spiritual types of crisis: questions about the goodness of God, depression, grief, doubt, etc. It is not that people don't experience these things around here--it is just that as a community we don't talk about them very loudly.
My hope is that by being honest about my own questions, I can be the change I want to see. I know I am not alone, and I don't want to be afraid anymore.
The truth is I have been afraid to talk about this--I mean really afraid to be honest about where I am. I have been so worried about what people will think of me if I tell the truth. Will I be judged? Will I be blacklisted? Being a part of the small community where I live and work and worship with many of the same people has its unique challenges. I love so much about living here--especially the way folks are committed to each other in times of crisis. I mean, bring on a serious illness, a death in the family, a new baby, a move into the neighborhood, and you'll have more food than you can fit in the deep freeze. If just feels a lot harder to me to talk about the more spiritual types of crisis: questions about the goodness of God, depression, grief, doubt, etc. It is not that people don't experience these things around here--it is just that as a community we don't talk about them very loudly.
My hope is that by being honest about my own questions, I can be the change I want to see. I know I am not alone, and I don't want to be afraid anymore.
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