I was talking to a new friend today, and we were discussing our spiritual questions. I was telling her about my latest 'faith crisis', and she was thoughtful and answered slowly "Maybe 'crisis' isn't the right word...it sounds too negative for the journey you have described to me..."
That really got me thinking. I've always seen my questions and struggles with my faith as something I need to 'get over', or as a phase I'll eventually grow out of when I'm 'mature' enough. I'm now considering that the process itself is good--(though it is pretty darn scary!) and that growing and changing and deconstructing and building my faith is lifelong.
The 'crisis' part is more about my fear; and my tendency toward 'all or nothing' thinking. I have this idea that I can't just dip my toe in something--it's dive in the deep end or stay out of the pool. My 'what if's' are huge: what if I will be totally rejected by my family, friends and community because I end up worshiping Ra the Sun God? What if one day I wake up and realize that I have to hand in my Jesus badge because I've strayed just a little too far? In more rational moments, I remind myself that I am safe and tightly held by a really big God and that it's ok if I want to look into yoga--it doesn't mean I have to join an ashram.
It's funny--if someone had come to me 20 years ago struggling with these same doubts and questions about God, I would have said sagely, and with all certainty that 'God isn't afraid of your doubts and questions, and He will lead you into His truth.' (Can I just say it was SO MUCH easier when I knew all of the answers!....) The truth is I can't go back to where I was even if I wanted to. No matter where I'm heading, I have to go forward, and keep seeking--and trust I'm headed in the right direction--even if I panic once in a while.
I've been thinking about caterpillars lately--and I wonder if they call it a 'crisis' when they see themselves transforming. I mean, are they born knowing that at some point in their lives they are going to completely change shape, form, what they eat, etc. and CEASE to be caterpillars? I imagine they are pretty horrified when they reach that wet and shrivel-y in-between place of 'not caterpillar' and not yet butterfly'. And afterward, are they totally surprised, like hey, caterpillars don't have wings! What's all this? I don't know how to fly...wait...oh, here we go...
That's a beautiful post Shelley, but there should be no reason to "reject" friends and family because of varying spiritual beliefs. If they are rejecting you than that is a sad reflection on their belief system, like vegetarians who refuse to associate with meat-eaters, or vice-versa.
ReplyDeleteI've written a book that touches on the divinity of the Sun and I think you would like, since it makes very good sense. Our divine Sun is probably the biggest elephant-in-the-room that you could ever image.
More on the book at http://www.sunofgod.net
Shine on Shelley, and come on out of that chrysallis,
Greg
I'm told that the DNA of the caterpillar is the same as that of the butterfly - food for thought!
ReplyDeleteThere are far more questions than we could possibly ask in a lifetime - and we don't have to know all the answers!
Pete--thanks for your comment--I hadn't thought about the caterpillar and the butterfly having the same dna, but it makes sense. I like it. Sometimes I get afraid that I have to become a completely different person if I let go of some beliefs and embrace others. I'm working on being ok with ambiguity these days.
ReplyDeleteInstead of ambiguity I would suggest 'mystery and paradox'.
ReplyDeleteThink of the stories we tell children - fairy stories that contain an element of truth! They wouldn't understand if we told them the full truth. Some people are happy with this, but I remember how angry I was with my parents when I found out that Father Christmas wasn't real.
I would take this a step further and say that any church can only take us as deep as their own theology will allow. It's now obvious to me that some of us are being called to go deeper - finding deeper meaning behind lessons we may have learned in part years ago.
I don't have many answers but I'm always happy to ask questions that don't have simple and straightforward answers.