Lately I've been evaluating the things I am telling myself. What I am discovering is that much of my anxiety about this comes from way deep inside me where all of my expectations and assumptions and filters and rules live--the ones I don't even think about. I have this invisible steel frame of 'shoulds' and 'supposed to's' that rule my life, with or without my permission.
The trick for me is to recognize when and where these 'rules' show up in my thinking (first clue: anytime I feel anxiety)--and then decide if I'm going to keep it or trash it, depending on what is actually rational and true. What is diabolical about this whole process is that these 'shoulds' and 'supposed to's' live just beneath my consciousness, and they feel REALLY, REALLY true--no matter how ridiculous they seem to my rational brain. (I should never fail or make a mistake. I should never annoy anyone. I am supposed to be perfect. I should be more efficient and enjoy domestic undertakings. I'm supposed to be a good mother and play with Sadie any time she asks me to...)
Deprogramming my automatic negative thoughts is a giant undertaking. My head aches with the sheer amount of lying thoughts I take at face value to be true at all points of my day. I'm trying to find a way to be gentle with myself, and to accept the truth about myself.
I think my struggle to 'figure out' my faith is ruled by this inner steel frame as well. Somewhere in the recesses of my subconscious, I have a list of beliefs, 'shoulds', and 'supposed to's' that I MUST hold as absolutely true, no matter what. Even when I know they make no sense--even when I don't agree with them anymore. They still own me like a evil dictator, and their propaganda is piped endlessly into my thoughts. I wish I could blame something or someone--but I know my own thoughts are the source of my oppression. The only way to find peace is to make peace with myself--and do the work to tell myself the truth.
It's like I'm volunteering to be in prison when I'm actually free.
This stuff is hard, hard, hard. There's "good reasons" for all those shoulds and musts. Failing and making mistakes and annoying people and being imperfect and not playing with kids can really truly be devastating to other people. It is hard to know how much of that is honestly our responsibility, and how much the other person's problem.
ReplyDeleteMy late therapist says, everyone needs perfect parents. no one gets them.
It would be easier if we believed we wholly construct our own reality and truth. It would even be easier if we believed we have no part whatsoever in perceiving, interpreting, etc, but that the truth and reality is plain and wholly accessible. This in-between thing, where the truth and reality is objectively out there but subjectively is filtered through our experience, history, culture, etc, is very very challenging.
Another thing my late therapist told me was not to try to pick up the slack and do God's job for him when he seemed absent or inactive. That includes justifying him, explaining him, manufacturing more faith for myself, conjuring up more religious this or that, etc.